When I was about 15 years old my relationship with my body changed, in a negative way.
During puberty the body changes and through a growth spurt, I naturally lost weight (which pleased me). About the same age, I had started modeling, so this natural “thinning,” didn’t help my already disturbed “body image.
During this period, I spent a lot of time in Paris, where there was a lot of pressure around the shape of my body. I saw many beautiful and thin girls around me and started to believe that it was the norm to be “that” skinny. I was already naturally thin, but at that time (through a silent process), I got thinner and thinner.
I had a “distorted body image,” which means that I saw my body differently then what it actually was. An eating disorder is a mental “disease;” which I now realize, shows just how powerful the mind is!
Through this condition, even though I would see food as “my enemy,“ paradoxically my thoughts constantly revolved around food: Where to eat? What to eat? When to eat? It was exhausting and I was always low on energy.
This “way of living“ was simply not sustainable and made me unhappy.
Luckily, I found my path towards healing which I would like to share.
Physical health
There was a time when I went running a lot and did sports just to burn calories.
I was constantly pushing myself regardless if I felt weak, tired or sick. Why? Because being skinny was the most important thing.
After a long and difficult journey with my body, I came to this understanding: Listen to your body! Every day your energy levels will be different and it is okay to rest!
I still enjoy being active and I workout regularly. Now, I think that exercise or physical movement is simply important for my overall health; but, I no longer torture myself!
It is a daily process to feel good in my own skin. From time to time I still question myself; but, I am always trying to remind myself of the incredible gift that I’ve been given, which is my body! This makes it possible for me to experience and move through the world freely and with joy!
I am always reminding myself that life is to be enjoyed!
Mental health
In order to heal my body, first I needed to heal my mind!
I realized that it came down to inner beliefs which were: “I am more valuable when I am thin,“ “I am more beautiful when I am thin“ or “I like myself better when I am thin.“
I can now see that this way of thinking was all about control. My weight was something that only I was in control of. This gave me something to grasp onto at a time when I was being faced with a lot of life changes.
Now, I can see clearly the necessity of taking care of my mental health; if I feel good, happy and content, I automatically feel better in my skin.
I have found that yoga, meditation, writing, dancing or basically, doing things that bring me joy and make me happy, is a way of healing.
Along the way, I also realized that I needed to change my negative self-talk, which was mostly based on a lack of self-love.
How did I start to love myself more? I practiced accepting myself the way that I am, I talked to myself more kindly, I counted my blessings every day, I practiced gratitude as often as I could remember… AND, these are all things that I am still practicing on a daily bases. Why? Because mental wellness is requires constant work and is a continuous investment (if you want to be and stay happy)!
Loving and accepting myself didn’t happen overnight and there is still plenty room to grow! But, I am on a good path and growing every day.
Yoga
The body, mind and spiritual practices of yoga were, and still are, medicine for my body!
The movement and breathing practiced in yoga are very therapeutic, it has helped me to rebuild my connection to my body.
I had developed an unhealthy relationship with my body and I felt everything, but didn’t feel love for my body.
Yoga taught me to listen inwardly and to tune into myself. I started to hear my inner voice craved for love!
The deeper I went in yoga, the more it helped me to be kind to myself, appreciate my body and to give my body what it what it needs. I started to enjoy and love my body.
Simply put, yoga gets me out of my mind and into my body so that I can connect with my heart.
Nutritious food
I had restricted many kinds of foods like carbs, oil, sugar (even fruits like bananas) and much more. I know that it may sound crazy to anyone who has not experienced this… but, I was truly scared of some types of food and many gave me anxiety and stress to eat.
Step by step I integrated and “allowed“ myself certain types of food. It helped that I did it in my own timing!
Overtime, I also changed my “WHY” behind my food consumption. From eating to achieve a “perfect body shape,” I switched to eating to fuel my body in the most supportive way!
Nowadays, I focus on food that leaves me energized, balanced and satisfied. I love oats in the morning with pieces of dark chocolate (my favorite), stews, dhals, carbs like buckwheat, rice or quinoa (carbs used to be my enemy, nowadays I can’t go without them:)!
In the end, I realized food is vitality and one of the joys of life. It brings people together, allows us experience different cultures… Why miss out?!
Advice for young girls and women
I know it can seem like, that by being skinny you feel are more worthy or beautiful - especially in today’s social media world! I’ve been there and I can tell you, your size or weight or shape has NOTHING to do with how beautiful you are.
Every body is unique! And… so is yours!
I think the most important thing for all of us is to tune in and to listen to what our bodies need.
If you are happy on the inside, you’ll radiate it outwardly!
Lastly and more importantly… if you do feel that you have a problem with food and don’t know how to get out of it, don’t be shy to ask for help. Share it with a friend, family member, a specialist or someone else you trust. It’s okay to ask for help! We ALL need help from time to time.
Don't feel ashamed about it, I know that to speak it out loud is the one of hardest part but necessary.
You have been gifted this body… do your best to take good care of it.
Finally, I just want to say, YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE!
So, don’t forget to love yourself AS you are!!
Love,
Marina